Do you love me now?

Written by Wim Beunderman, posted on tuesday 11 august 2015

A long time ago, as a little boy, I was convinced I needed to save people. When people around me felt unhappy or sad, I did all I could to cheer them up. I felt loved when I succeeded. ‘Do you love me now’,? I would wonder. Yet, when they still felt unhappy, or worse still, when they took it out on me, I ended up feeling unhappy too.

An actor in someone else’s play

By occupying myself with their sadness or unhappiness, I got involved in their drama. Because of it, I was creating a new drama, my own drama. This drama meant that I felt unloved every time I didn’t succeed in making others feel happy. This was 9.9 times out of 10, because, and I didn’t realize this at the time, I can’t save another person. Only that person can do that. In hindsight, I see that I was an actor in someone else’s play, performing in an even greater drama.

What did I do wrong?

Eventually, I was making things harder for myself as well as for others. For, I was entangled in other people’s pain, and didn’t comprehend why I was feeling unloved and unhappy, while I only wanted them to feel happy. What did I do wrong?, I kept asking myself. Before long, I started blaming the other for my pain as well. I blamed them for their ingratitude towards me and for hurting me so. That was how I felt about it.

The outside world is a reflection

Many years later, as a grown-up, I could see that I had created this pain all by myself. Through my interaction with the outside world, I felt other people’s pain. Now I know that the outside world is a reflection of myself. So, every time other people’s behaviour and words get to me, I realize it’s my own pain getting to me. This isn’t the same as compassion, by the way. Often enough, tears will roll over my cheeks when I sense someone else feeling hurt, without me feeling hurt.

My heart swells

Nowadays, I take responsibility for myself, as well as my drama and my pain. This makes me feel both vulnerable and powerful. It sends my consciousness rocketing. I’m becoming more and more aware that someone else’s pain has nothing to do with me. In the wink of an eye, I’m can simultaneously feel old pain being triggered and view it from a distance and accept it for what it is. I see the little boy from the past, I embrace him and accept him for what he is now. I love him and myself as I am now, because of it. My heart then swells and makes me feel extremely powerful.

I am loved

This is very pure, and other people sense this. My big lesson is that I only have to be there for others. I only have to be there for myself. I love myself as I am, and therefore I love others too. And love will heal all. We are all love, we are all loved. I no longer wonder if others love me. Instead, I say to myself: I am loved for what I am now, and I don’t need saving.

My heart

My heart is powerful and gentle

A powerful gentleness

That lets me feel who I really am

So purely as never before

As one with myself

With my heart

My heart feels

My heart feels so good

My heart

Jack Johnson – You And Your Heart

Jack Johnson – Traffic In The Sky

Image: ‘Wash Away The Pain’ by Oliver Coningham on Sxc.hu

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